Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
