Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Of course I have a pirate flag
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
