I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
