Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize