just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
