There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
