I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
