ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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