i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Randomize
