you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Randomize
