You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
