Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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