last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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