Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
