I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
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