I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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