Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
