Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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