his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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