oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
