If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
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He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
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