I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
