On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
