note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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