I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
