She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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