If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
