I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
