I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
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