Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
