You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize
