I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
