Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
