Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
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Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
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We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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