I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
