Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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