i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing