Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"