I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
