i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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