I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Randomize
