That's intense
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
