The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Randomize
