Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
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I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
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Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
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