I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Shame is for Republicans.
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