I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Your penis caused this!
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