I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
