apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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