I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
