Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
