TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
