I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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