We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
