I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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