Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
This is my gift to your gina
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
