I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
