last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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