i dedicated my morning wood to you.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
