i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
