Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
