He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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