Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
