just tell him i said nine months
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
