I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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