Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
This toilet bowl is my home.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
