You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
