He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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