There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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